It's been 9 months of "the Jake show." Ethan has to be aware that Jake gets more attention most of the time, yet he holds absolutely no ill will toward him. There are streaks of jealousy but it doesn't seem like any more than normal brothers experience. (There's that word again...normal.) In the past few weeks, Ethan has been acting out, talking back, and just being mean in general. Not to Jake, to me. We have tried every type of reasonable punishment to no avail. My Mom asked him why he is being so mean to Mommy and his response was, "because she doesn't like me." Stab me in the heart. How could my sweet angel think I don't like him?? I am so sick of the affects that cancer has had on our family! So, after bawling my eyes out about it, I did some google-ing and read that it is healthy to let your children see you cry once in a while. It teaches them that expressing emotion is normal. I do my best not to let them see me cry in the past 9 months but it got me wondering, should I have been doing this all along? I took Ethan to church with me on Sunday since Jake wasn't feeling well and Randy stayed home with Jake and Aubrey. We were having fun together. He was happy and his usual sweet self until the service started. Then the behavior began. I tried to correct him lovingly and with positive reinforcement, but it only resulted in more obstinacy and rudeness. I finally just ignored him because I wasn't getting anywhere and it was almost time for him to leave with the children's group. After church was over I met up with Ethan and the children's group leader and found that he had a hard time then as well. Randy talked with him when we got home and I decided it was a good time to turn on the water works and test out this crying theory. It was pretty easy for me to draw up some emotion- imagine that? As soon as he saw me crying he started crying. And he cried...and cried...and cried. I don't know if he was upset because he had upset me or because he just really needed to let out some pent up emotion. Either way, he has been back to being my angel ever since. It does make total sense to me because when I am full to the brim with stress, anger, and emotion, I am quick to anger. But when I let it out it's like a fresh start. Like a little of my burden is no longer mine.
Sometimes I feel like wallowing in self pity and I wonder how we got here. Why did this happen? How did this happen? What are we going to do when it's over? I can't answer any of them. And then, it is so hard to read about the kids who are dying every day. They went through similar chemo regimen hells and still lost. All the time we are connected with another family who is going through the same thing we are going through. It is amazing that something that is supposedly so rare is everywhere we look. It's not just kids fighting Ewings either. There are people in their early 20's and older fighting just as hard as Jake. All the time we talk about hoping that Jake doesn't remember most of this. I mean what do you remember from being three or four? I said that same sentiment to someone who has a loved one fighting, except his loved one is older and a parent. The reply I heard was something like "unfortunately if my loved one doesn't make it, her children are so young that they won't remember her." I have thought about this conversation so many times and every time is makes me sick with heartache. Then I realize that if Jake didn't make it, Aubrey wouldn't remember him, and Ethan's memories would be vague at best. I don't know why I'm sharing these gut wrenching things right now. Maybe I'm just in a mood to wallow. Cancer invokes a world of rollercoasters, except that you don't have to choice of whether or not to ride. Through all of these ups and downs we've learned and grown. We manage the day-to-day, put on our brave face, and live life to the fullest, the best that we can. I can't say that it gets easier because I don't know yet. I just only hope that it does. #jakesfight
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| Ethan, our little "photo bombing" goofball |
Wearing a happy face, showing a brave soul...you need a chance to erupt..and just maybe Ethan needed to see 'normal'..perhaps he's been holding back his tears to avoid upsetting as well..I think you are the bravest family I know..Keep fighting,hugging and crying as needed..I cried with you!
ReplyDeleteDianne
As a person who doesn't know what happens behind the scenes of cancer/treatments etc, it breaks my heart to read how it affects the whole family. Your family has been in my prayers for a while already and this helps me on how to pray for your family. Thanks for being honest and yourself, it must be sooooooo hard. From the Netherlands, lots of prayers, hugs and love for all of you.
ReplyDeleteI have been praying for Jake and also you and Randy since Vickie first told us about Jake's illness but it only occurred to me after meeting your entire family at the bowling alley that his siblings needed to be included in those prayers as well. I firmly believe it there is nothing wrong with letting your kids see you cry, get angry, and in general...lose your cool. I think a healthy balance of natural emotions keeps us sane, and kids need to see their parents express and deal with those emotions so that they can learn to cope with them as well. Y'all are really great parents to take the time to dote on Ethan and picking up on him not being himself while you have so much going on. Like Yvonne- I am so glad that you shared this with us so that we can all know specifically what to be praying for in addition to healing for Jake.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above posts... being brave and holding in emotions isn't always good. I'm sure that Ethan has been holding in his anger, fear, worry, confusion, etc. to be strong for YOU. Seeing you cry probably triggered all those emotions that he has been carrying for awhile. I'm glad that he was able to let them go and get it out of his system (as well as you releasing yours!). I also think that his behavior of saying you don't love him is perfectly normal for kids. No matter how hard we try to show our love and be the perfect parents, kids are still going to say hurtful things and act out. To give you an example: I was out shopping with Cameron, my 4yo, and we're standing in an aisle looking at things when he says out of the blue, "Mommy, I don't love you." I said, "I'm sorry? what did you say?" and he repeated it as casual as could be! I felt about an inch tall at that moment! Especially since there were 2 stockers standing nearby that heard him. As low as I felt, I just told him, "ok. But I still love YOU!" and let it go. I don't think kids under the age of maybe 10 really understand the concept of a parent's love. Don't put too much pressure on yourself over Ethan's comment about you not loving him. He knows that you do. You show it every day. He just needs to learn ways to release the frustration he feels from having a little brother who is sick and a baby sister that demands just as much attention. It must be hard for him to absorb. Just continue to reassure him. When he has moments of defiance, etc. maybe taking him to a quiet room, sit him down, and quietly ask him what is bothering him, if he wants to talk about it. I can always tell when my 16yo has something bothering him or is upset about something. I go in his room, shut the door, and we talk about whatever is bothering him. Sometimes it takes a little prodding, but eventually he opens up. Bottom line here is that Ethan isn't being mean because he thinks you don't like him, he just doesn't know how to express his emotions in a more positive light. As mom, you'll have to find ways to encourage him to release that in other ways. Maybe drawing what he feels? Hope this helps and I'm always available if you need to vent! :)
ReplyDelete~Melissa