Can "If" become "When"?

Kait:

We start sentences with the word "if" all throughout the day.  If it isn't raining we can go outside...if you do your homework you can watch tv...if I eat healthy at lunch I can have dessert...if if if.  In our house we have all of those "ifs" plus the ones that are not so normal.  First, the one hiding in the back of our minds- If Jake beats cancer ______(insert tearful sentiment here).  And the current one- If Jake's counts are high enough then he can get chemo.  Unfortunately, that "if" didn't pan out this week.  His platelets were 23 and they needed to be 75.  His hemoglobin was 5.9 so he needed a transfusion.  What was supposed to be his last inpatient treatment turned out to be just a day spent in the clinic receiving blood.  (Donate blood if you can!)  Disappointing to say the least.  I try so hard to go with the flow but it is so frustrating when there is nothing I can do to control the situation.  I'm so ready to be done with chemo that I can taste it.  The finish line is just out of reach, we can almost touch it!  For now I will have to control myself by not let this setback cloud my emotions.  Jake, however, was ecstatic to get to go home earlier than planned.


Green popsicles (hence the green teeth) keep him happy

 His oncologist postponed chemo for a week to let his body recover and hopefully this means he will be able to handle this last round with no problem.  Once he completes the 17th round he will have one more clinic appointment where his port will be accessed and he'll receive vincristine (chemo) for the last time.  That tentative date is September 5, 2013.  Two weeks after that, on September 19, 2013, he will have all of his scans.  Provided his scans are clear, we will schedule his port removal.  We are planning to have a party to celebrate and will share the details once he completes round 17.  I am a big believer in not celebrating too early so we want to make sure he is able to receive chemo next week before we share details. 

I want to stop the ifs.  I want to feel comfortable saying when.  When Jake finishes chemo...when Jake beats cancer.  Unfortunately with this type of cancer there is no remission so we won't know if he beat it for many many years down the road.  You either got rid of all of the cancer cells or you didn't.  And they can lay dormant for an undeterminable amount of time.  At the five year mark we can start to relax a little.  Until then we can walk on eggshells or we can make the choice to live positively and accept that our "when" is finally here.  It won't be easy but I don't want to live my life in fear.