I have to apologize...I realize that most of the time my blog posts are bitch sessions....if that bothers you....best thing to do would be to hit "back on your browser".
Randy: I wish I never knew about pediatric cancer. I mean that...I really do at this point. On October 15th we were shown the door...and it looked scary enough just peering inside for a few seconds....then on November 5th we were shoved through and the door was locked behind us. I've learned more about myself, our society, and people in the 5 months since that day than the 33 years that preceded it. These have been both good and bad lessons, seeing the best of us that I talked about back in December, and seeing some less than desirable behaviors. People being incredibly generous, both with assistance and more importantly time. People willing to put their own lives on hold to help our family enjoy some slivers of normalcy. I've also seen people withdraw from us, whether because the friendship wasn't very strong to begin with, or the fear of not knowing what to say or do.
I can give a piece of advice....not knowing what to say and saying the wrong thing is WAAAAYYYYY better than disappearing when your friend needs you.
I wish we had never been shoved through this door. I wish I could go back to October 14th....and be ignorant to this world. I wish Jake had just simply broken his leg....how great that sounds now. I remember thinking that Saturday night "wow how awful if our little boy fractured his leg?"....lol...yeah that would be horrible now. Now I get to watch Jake, Ethan, and Aubrey get robbed of a normal childhood on a daily basis. Jake now has completely irrational anger, Ethan is acting out, and Aubrey is just too young to say "hey why the hell is my brother always crying?"....but I'm sure she is thinking it.
I used to cry a lot....it helped. When I felt the need I had some things that would bring the emotion out. The song by Phillip Phillips "Home" was my first outlet. As time has passed I learned the story of Anna Basso, who courageously fought Ewing's only to succumb to this piece of shit disease before her life could really get going. Her favorite was "Float On" by Modest Mouse. That is my favorite song to run to, and it was the song I chose to have playing when I finished the half marathon in March. None of these work now....I honestly feel like I need a good "release" on a regular basis...but the emotions just won't come out anymore.
I want to yell....but nothing comes out....
This is taking its toll on me...my marriage....my ability to concentrate....my health. I don't eat well anymore...I drink more than I should....I don't sleep enough....Running used to be my outlet...but I can't seem to stay healthy long enough to keep that hobby up. I get angry way too fast now....I threw eggs all over the kitchen and then promptly put my fist through a wall this morning......really? Am I fucking 14 years old...? How pathetic do you have to be to take your anger out like that??
I know that which does not kill us makes us stronger...maybe this is killing me?
Is it okay to feel angry...? Okay then....FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!
You are NOT pathetic and, yes, it IS okay to be angry. Eggs can be cleaned up and the wall can be fixed.....:)
ReplyDeletexoxoxoxoxoxoxo
I know we could sit here and make flowery comments like, "you are so strong" and "hang in there, this is but a moment in time"....but we ALL know that's bullshit! None of us really KNOW anything. ...Jesus asked His own Father, "My God, My God, why have you abandoned me?" Why should you NOT be able to feel the rage you're feeling? You and Kait are amazing individuals who are allowed to FEEL! Like "anonymous" said, eggs can be cleaned up and walls can be fixed...but KNOW your kids are likely feeling the same type of anger (and why wouldn't they)because things aren't right in their world....hand them the eggs next time and make it a family affair! Then sit and laugh AND cry...TOGETHER! His Peace be yours today Lovely friend! We are ALL thinking about and praying for you!
ReplyDeleteI like Jennifer's reply. Very well said. You have every right to feel angry! Hell, I feel angry for you! Just remember you have to beat this, not let it beat you!
DeleteBeen there. Done that. My daughter was in her 30s. Can't imagine what it is like at 3 years old! Watched my grandchildrens' lives (she has 4 children)m
ReplyDeleteget turned upside down. It is impossible to explain cancer to a child. Much less a young one.
Is it easy? Hell no. Are you on this trip? Yes, you are.
I won't lie, and say it gets better. It will--at moments. It will get scarier than anything you have ever imagined also. I won't lie, and say things I don't know for sure. I will tell you
that you will find strength within yourself that you never knew you had.
My daughter was given a 10% survival rate for 2 weeks at diagnosis. That was in 4/09. Took her to Columbus yesterday. Harsh treatments, crazy nights, tears galore...and strangely enough, lots of laughter.
Trust in your doctors, but trust in your knowledge of your child. NO one knows your child as you do. And your nurses are your ABSOLUTE BESTFRIENDS. They can get things done. And, most important, ask for, and accept, every prayer for your child you can get. Even my daughters' drs admitted a few times, they were working their butts off, but prayers were what saved her.
May God bless and surround you, Jake, and your entire family, with the healing sacred white light of the Holy Spirit. With your permission, to the best of my health, I will ride this with you. May God bless and give you strength.