Randy: Saturday started our first day of our short time of "normal" with Jake. We went to the mall and played mini golf, ate dinner, and let the boys ride the train. We got up Sunday morning and went to the Big Apple Circus, where the kids had a blast. After that we went down to Phipps and Legoland Discovery, which Ethan had been asking about almost daily since he learned it existed. When we arrived we were disappointed to learn that all tickets for the day had been sold, but Kait spoke with the manager and explained our situation, and an exception was made. I can't thank the manager there enough for allowing us to go through anyway, it would have really ruined the day. The kids had a great time playing with the build a race car lego area and we left for dinner at On the Border.
I try to remain positive and hide any fears or anxiety I may have. Between school, the shop, and this I really don't have time to get too focused on one thing for a while. Tonight as we kept the circus under control at dinner I began to come to the realization that Jake wasn't going to just go back to the way he was. All day he was quiet, shy, almost scared to have much fun. Sure he did some laughing, but not the way he did before November 5th. As I watched him eat dinner and noticed the people staring around the restaurant, I realized that this next 10 days was as normal as it would get for the next year. Our lives pre-November 5th were completely gone, and we would never know that life again.
It really got me bummed, and I took it out on Kait on the way home as we had a pretty nasty spat.
We spent the last 30 minutes of the drive in silence while the kids slept in the back of the van. I had this numb sort of anger going through me, and I couldn't pinpoint why. As we approached the house I realized that I was wrong and apologized (way too late, but I at least made the effort). I took my own emotions that I couldn't get out and turned them into a fight with the one person that always has my back. The reality of what is happening is...
I am mad.
I am tired of being a sideshow when we're in public.
I am tired of seeing parents treat their children like shit.
I am tired of seeing parents act like their children are a burden.
I am tired of not knowing who Jake is day to day.
I am tired of seeing this take its toll on Ethan and seeing him act out.
I want my little boy back, and to be "normal" again.
We got home as we got them out of the car it hit me...all of it...I wasn't even able to get the kids out of the car before it got me. I had to walk away and as I stepped out of our garage and around the house it came over me like a tsunami. Hurt...anger...fear....all rolled into one.
I cried for 15 minutes, uncontrollably. I went to my knees in the grass and almost threw up. It just kept coming. I couldn't turn it off no matter how hard I tried. I finally got it together and came inside and as I got Ethan into bed he had a weird look on his face. I asked him what was wrong and he said "nothing". I told him that it looked like something was on his mind and he reached up, hugged me and whispered in my ear, "Daddy, I just love you so much."
How does a 5 year old come up with that, at that moment? He had been fast asleep as I unloaded the contents of my mind in the grass outside of the garage....how could he tell that something was wrong? Of course after choking out, "I love you too," I left the room and buried my head in Kait's shoulder, and after another 10 minutes of bawling my eyes out again I think I finally "got it out". Admitting this on a blog to friends and complete strangers seems a little strange. In one day I experienced excitement, joy, pride, anger, frustration, remorse, and sorrow.
Maybe this is what "normal" is now?
xoxoxoxo
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