It has been 5 weeks since we heard words that would change our lives forever, and normal became something completely different. It was not until November 5th that we officially were told our little man had cancer, but the moment we were told there was concern our mindset and outlook on life changed completely. I have a good friend that has gone through something similar with one of his children that has given some great advice, and his predictions about how I would feel and act have pretty much been dead on. Nothing can prepare you for this, no book you can read with instructions, and the emotions that become part of your daily life are everything from sorrow to joy, anger to depression, happiness to sadness, and so many more.
It is only natural that when something this devastating enters your life a particular word begins to enter your mind....
"Why"....
Why is our little boy going to suffer?
Why do our lives have to be turned upside down?
Why do we have to face every parents worst nightmare?
and the worst "Why" of all...
Why would a loving God do this to us?
From the start of this Kait and I kept telling ourselves we would control what we could control, and the quote I told myself over and over again is from "The Last Lecture" by the late Dr. Randy Pausch:
"We cannot control the cards we are dealt, we can only play the hand"
There was a time on November 6th, the day after Jake's biopsy, driving back from school that "Why" entered my mind, and it got the best of me. I became angry...at life....at God....at everything. For the first time in as long as I can remember I prayed....like...really prayed. Not blessing a meal....not going along at church....but really talked to God. I sat in a pew at a church in Monroe and it all came out....but not once did I ask God why. Deep down inside I knew there was no answer....there would be no response.
"Why" is toxic...it is something we can't control...and only leads to despair and anger. I decided that word was going to be deleted from my vocabulary. Anger is not productive and is going to do nothing to help us get through this. Instead I'm going to focus on the word "How"....as in:
How can I be there for Jake and my family through this?
How can we use our situation to raise awareness about Pediatric Cancers?
How can I make a difference going forward?
Hopefully others can follow our journey and realize that tomorrow isn't promised, and that these things happen to real people. Maybe we can all realize that getting worked up over little things just isn't worth it. I have been as guilty as anyone about letting little things get the best of me, now most of those things seem so trivial, and it makes me laugh to think how much of my life I've wasted getting mad over things that just didn't matter. Life is precious, and it is short, enjoy the ride.
Now the only why I am willing to ask is:
Why didn't I realize this before now?
Well said Randy. Little things don't matter...but the small things do! A smile, a kiss, little arms around your neck, a contented sigh...God gave us the small things to remind us how much He loves us. Cancer is the ugliest word I know. It can surely turn your world upside down. But I can tell you..even in an upside down world, God is right there with Jake...you..and your whole family. This has not taken Him by surprise...it was in His plan all along. He will be with you every step of the way...you will never be out of His grasp, away from His love....and sometimes that's all you will have to hang on to. In the middle of the night, when you can't sleep and fear takes over...He will be there to listen and to comfort you. And you will know too, that there are others, not sleeping that are praying for all of you. I will keep you Jake and all of you in my prayers......God is gonna do a great work ....we have to believe that!!!! Love you, Freda
ReplyDeleteThank you Freda, and you are so right! We love you, Kait & Randy
DeleteGreat post, Randy. You and Kait have shown your strength with every thing you have written about Jake's illness. It is this strength that will help you all through this. I will be away from the computer for a few days (trip to LI to spend Thanksgiving with Grandma Long), so I am sending joyous Thanksgiving greetings now. We all have much to be grateful for this year.
ReplyDeleteLove, Aunt Dawn
Happy Thanksgiving to you and all of the family! Have a safe trip! Love, Randy & Kait
DeleteI am so sorry to hear about what your going through. I as a mom can imaginge what you are going through emoitionally and physically. This is my prayer for your family.
ReplyDeleteDear God,
Please surround Jake with your powerful, healing love. Please help him to feel your presence during this time of struggle, take away his pain and replace it with the peace that only you can provide. Heal him so that he may once again laugh & play as a child should. Free him from his illness and the suffering it causes.
Please also comfort Randy and Kait and the rest of Jake's family and friends during this time. Help them to trust in you and keep their faith. Draw them in closer and show them that you have not abandoned them, that you have heard their prayer and are sending comfort and support to them. Please fill them with your peace and love and take away their suffering and sense of helplessness. Give them the strength to let go of this situation and put it in your hands, trusting in your great power and wisdom.
Thank you, God, for hearing our prayers. I know you watch over all of us, especially young children, and that we are always surrounded by your love, especially during the hard times. You never leave us and never will.
Please help this family. In gratitude & love, Amen.
What a wonderful prayer, we appreciate it so much! Love, Kait & Randy
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